So last week I actually put on weight. I was really angry with myself but thats in the past now. I tried to be as good as i could this week and I guess tomorrow we will see how that went.

Having said that I dont think I can mentally handle another bad week. I know I will just loose all motivation and go back to my old ways.

I have a really hard time with "tracking" what I eat and this is going to sound really silly but i think i actually have figured out a way to make myself do it. I need a smaller handbag... At the moment i acutally use a GIANT GIANT nappy bag as a hand bag ( dont worry its designer and doesnt actually look like a nappy bag) and i can never be fucked searching thru it to find by book or my points calculator...

so i brought myself a new small handbag (also a good excuse for a new handbag)

Last weekend i was a bitch... ill admit it... I dont want to name names in case this  ever got into the wrong hands but i was a bad bad bad girl with someone i knows boyfriend, well nothing that bad but you know...anything you do or even imply doingwith ur friends boyfriend is bad.

yes its the girl who i despise at the moment

When i get to my ultimate goal weight that I decided thats what I want to maintain. Im going to get a tattoo

"Smoke 'em if you got 'em"

Its a song from one of my favourite bands but to me it has alot more meaning to it than that.

To me it means, if you;ve got it...flaunt it... Which hopefully i will be more than willing to do once all this fat it gone

Is it really wrong if the main reason I want to loose weight is to spite one of my good friends who has recently lost alot of weight? I was always the prettier one than her mainly because I was thinner. Now that she is thinner than me and i just kept getting fatter and fatter i feel that she is better than me and it actually is really driving me to loose weight because i know that if i was her weight i'd be better looking again.

god im a bitch

So  I accomplishd my first goal, to be under 95kgs... this really isn't this biggest one, Being under 90kgs is going to be awesome for me. Although, you know how people say you shoudl reward yurself as you go... i dont really know what i want those to be... i mean i spoil myself regularly with clothes, make up and other frivous things so im really stuck as to what it should be.

95kg by the 17th of november ACHIEVED 2ND NOVEMBER!!!!!

90kg by the 22nd of december

85kg by the 23rd of febuary

80kg by the 27th of april

76kg by the 9th of june (this is my birthday!)

So today was my first weigh in at weight watchers and i lost 2.5kgs! making me 94.6kgs...I'm really happy with myself. Last night I went out to watch my partners band play and I felt really good about myself. Its amazing how when you know you're doing something good for yourself it seems to radiate out of you. Even the skinny girls didn't bother me last night

So, at the moment I weight 97.1... well that was my starting weight last monday, its sunday now meaning i weigh in tomorrow so cross your fingers for me!

95kg by the 17th of november

90kg by the 22nd of december

85kg by the 23rd of febuary

80kg by the 27th of april

76kg by the 9th of june (this is my birthday!)

76ks is the top end of my goal weight range... so i'm starting there, I have never been thin so i am not even sure how this would look on me. Also, hopefully, I can get to these goals quicker...then i will move the dates a little bit... but the ultimate goal is to be at least in the healthy weight range by my birthday next year!

So, Whoever reads this, there is a lot to talk about. I'm not telling anyone I know personally about this for I wish to remain secret.
I joined weight watchers today, or as i like to call it...Fatty Club.. I weighed in at 97.1 kgs. The most I have ever weighed. They have put my goal weight at 76kgs but I have a feeling this just wont do...if i ever get there.

So, I'm 21. One of my best friends has always been the overweight, the uglier one of the two of us (we im vain, but who gives a shit. I said it) and recently she has been loosing weight and now weighs 74kg and I feel like I could die. I saw her out saturday night for another friends birthday and her skinniness and looking at her in her little dress made me want to kill myself...but instead i just killed my liver and drank til i found myself attractive in the mirror.

So part of this is revenge weight loss. I know, I know... im a bad bad person.

The other reason is that I am so scared f my partner loosing intrest in me, which I sure he alread has but stays with me because thats what he is ment to do. The crowd we hang out with is one where skinny is in. Boys wear girls tight jeans and girls are sticks walking around with boobs and big hair.

Hes in a band. My nightmare is them becoming big...(well by our small towns standards) and the girls throwing themselves at him...those stick girls with boobs and big hair.

I'm so tired of being the pretty girl with a fat body.